The “terrible twos” are actually terribly important: here’s why
Raise your hand if you’ve heard of age two as “terrible” 🙋♀️ Maybe you’ve been there, maybe you’re elbow deep into this stage already, or maybe you haven’t even gotten to age two and wonder if your 18-month-old in on a fast track to it. Yes, big shifts are happening and they bring great challenges—but labeling this stage as “terrible” would be keeping you from seeing the full picture.
The key for this age is to remember that the challenges you face with your child result from important changes within your child’s brain, and how we guide them through this challenging time impacts their emotional development and our relationship with them beyond age two. This reframe can be the difference between seeing this stage as “terrible”, or acknowledging that this age is, in fact, terribly important.
Age two is filled with exciting change for your child (and your home!). Their language is exploding, their participation is increasing, and their mobility is helping them reach new heights (literally). It is also true that this growth comes with challenges for everyone, as their independence unfolds and related limits bring lots of new emotions for them that come out in ways you’ve never witnessed before 🙃 As our child moves through this stage, the day-to-day can feel, well, a bit terrible at times. But what feels challenging does not have to define an entire stage with our child.
Here are a few of the terribly important things to keep in mind about your child’s development as they approach age 2 and move through that stage:
Supporting their growing need for independence can impact their confidence and autonomy long-term
For your child, this stage can feel empowering and you will begin hearing a lot of “No!”, “I do it!” (sound familiar?). This newfound self-awareness brings within your child the need to assert independence and individual choices. As funny, tricky, or impossible as they may seem, allowing your child to make choices at this age (to the degree that it is possible) is key for them to develop a sense of autonomy. It is also an important stage for you to continue maintaining clear, predictable, and respectful limits to help your child understand where the boundaries are, as you also observe and learn from their new interests and skills to build a collaborative relationship.
Psychologist Erik Erickson referred to this stage of development as the balance of “autonomy vs shame and doubt”. He noted that supporting a child’s autonomy during this stage, while avoiding shaming them for their performance, is what prepares the child psychologically for feeling secure and confident with themselves, and around others, as their development toward later stages continues. As long as safety is accounted for, letting them make simple decisions fosters self-esteem, belonging, and problem-solving.
They are still developing trust in you as a safe place (and building brain pathways toward emotion regulation in the process)
As your toddler develops new levels of self-awareness, power, and related frustration when things don’t go their way 🙃 part of what they will explore and take note of is: “Am I still safe I let all my feelings out?”
As they explore their level of autonomy and will, it is important to teach where the limits are. Yet, along with firm limits, it is important to assert a loving and welcoming presence to the emotions that emerge as those limits are set. When we set boundaries as needed, but remain a safe place for the bit emotions about them to be shared with us, we set the foundation for our child’s healthy relationship with the full rainbow of emotions–in truth, navigating those chaotic moments from a place of empathy and connection is fundamental to help your child develop self-regulation skills. When you welcome those big emotions non-judgmentally you are communicating unconditional love, and you are building important neural pathways in your child’s brain that allow your child to be open to feeling and communicating all emotions and, with time, gain the skills to appropriately regulate them.
It’s an important stage for establishing a positive discipline dynamic
Your toddler’s reactions are more intense at this age partly because they are experiencing emotions in a whole new way as they gain more self-awareness. Your child is also facing frustration more frequently, as they explore the world in new ways and have plans that are often met with us teaching where the boundaries and limits are. While this new dynamic feels challenging, it also represents big opportunities to set the foundation for collaboration in your relationship.
As you set limits, remember to teach why the limits exist, and help your child get through that moment: “I can’t let you hit, my job is to keep everyone safe. I see that you are angry, I get it, it’s so hard to wait. I will sit here with you to help you wait until it’s our turn for the slide.” Practicing a dynamic where you place a limit to the behavior firmly, but without judgment of the emotion your child feels in the process, creates space for connecting with empathy so you can teach your child what to do instead. It will not make your toddler’s frustration disappear, and their curiosity will continue challenging you, but a respectful approach to those moments will help your child feel seen and understood in the process, fostering connection and trust in your relationship. It is that trust and connection that will gradually lead to more cooperation, communication, and partnership as they grow.
Everyday interactions at this age nurture the foundation of emotional intelligence
Early toddlerhood is an important time to expand emotion knowledge and emotion awareness, key components of emotional intelligence. Before being able to regulate their behavior, children need to understand the emotions that bring up certain reactions, how those emotions feel within their body, and how to effectively communicate about what they are feeling–these skills take years to develop. At age two, focusing on identifying emotions is a key place to start.
Along with reading books about emotions and labeling emotions in puzzles and other materials, remaining a non-judgmental observant of emotions surfacing within your home is the key to nurturing emotional intelligence during the early years. Throughout the day, notice and label the emotions you see within your child… and not just the challenging ones! There is also joy, wonder, curiosity, and more: “I see that getting to see grandma made you feel very happy today!” As your child is always observing, don’t forget to also acknowledge and label your own emotions too “Oh! No more peanut butter? I’m feeling really frustrated, I did not expect the jar to be empty.”
And this is just the tip of the iceberg!
This is the stage where both you and your child begin learning how to be in a relationship with differing ideas, wishes, and jobs: your child’s job is to explore and learn, your job is to teach where the limits are. The key is to remember that related challenges (the mood swings, the big emotions, the frustration) are not about you—they are about your child’s evolving self-discovery and how exciting (and scary!) that can feel for your child.
That is not a terrible place to be. Rather, it is an incredibly, terribly important place to begin.
